The BS Files are kinda like the X-files – full of myths and urban legends and mysterious things. I feel that it is my duty to tackle them (occasionally). Because, you know, the truth is out there.
Case #18. You’re not trying to fix me…you just want me to be happy! Bullsh*t!
Full disclosure: this one might not sit right with you. It doesn’t sit super comfortably with me, because I know you don’t mean it that way, but still it needs examination.
You ask: Isn’t it loving when I to want people that we love to be happy? To wish them health, wealth, love, happiness and all good things?
Me: Of course it is. But that’s not all there is to the story.
You: What about when someone isn’t happy, and they tell me – what should I do?
Narrator: First, there’s never just one right answer. But there is a pretty much incorrect answer – we should never just jump in and tell them how to fix things – unless it’s a real emergency, of course!
Me: Not even if you know how. Not even if it hurts your heart to see me suffer.
You: Why? How could that possibly be a bad thing?
Me: Because of how it feels. When you try to fix it for me, sometimes it feels like you’re saying you don’t think I can handle being sad, or I can’t fix it myself, or you’re judging me and think I shouldn’t be unhappy. Sometimes it feels like you’re saying there is something wrong with me if I’m not happy all the time – that I’m broken – because why else would I be sad?
Narrator: And that’s just not true – that’s the real BS File. There are times when it is 100% appropriate to be unhappy – or sad or grieving or angry or any other “negative” emotion.
Me: I wish you would just say, “I know. I understand. That IS sad.” And stop there.
You: If I could, I would take away your pain. But I can’t. So I’ll just sit here and love you. I’ll hold you in my arms or in my heart – which ever one works.
Me: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ thank you.
Truth: Of course we can want our people to be happy. We can do nice things for people we love to try to make them happy. We can help them when they ask. But when we don’t allow them to be unhappy when they are, we aren’t allowing them to experience their own life. We don’t allow them the grace and the space to be themselves and to live their life. The best option is to love them through it all.
In the meantime, remember these things: You are loved. We are all loved. Let’s all be kind. And in all things – progress, not perfection!
Love and light,
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