Why Do I Keep Picking Fights?

Has this ever happened to you? To find yourself in the middle of an argument with no idea how you got there? You had no conscious intention of starting or even getting involved in a fight, let alone let it escalate into the knock down drag out that you have going.  And you certainly didn’t intend to GO THERE…to say the dangerously hurtful things you said.

Why? Why did I do that?

I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you how to find out.

If you really want to see why you keep fighting, don’t go back over the fight and figure out who started it and what it was about. Not helpful. Let’s find out what was going on inside your head at the time. Ask yourself these 3 questions, and answer them with thought and honesty.  You’ll find out why.

  1. What was going on before and what was I thinking leading up to the fight? What was I making it mean about me? This is not about looking for the reasons you were right (or wrong) because that’s not helpful. It’s about identifying YOUR thoughts to see how they led to the escalation. Then you can work on your thinking – because that’s your most powerful option.
  2. What was I feeling BEFORE the fight, and how did that influence my behavior? Everything we do is based on our feelings. If you look at the thoughts you were thinking and how those thoughts make you feel, you’ll understand what was really going on. It’s so tempting to say that the person you were arguing made you feel something. But that’s just not true.  No one can make you feel anything – it’s your thoughts about what they say and do that cause your emotions.
  3. What do I get out of fighting? How does it serve me?  This is a different approach, I know, but if you can answer this question, you can find a different way to get it – other than fighting. For example, you might crave the closeness that comes with making up. Your brain has learned that fighting is a way to get it. You can teach it that fighting is not the only (nor the ideal) way to feel closeness. Or you might be bored. Or you might be stuffing your emotions and this is your (current) way to relieve the pressure. These are examples, but how does it serve YOU?

Now, if you want to STOP fighting, you’re going to have to do something new with the information you just found. You need to manage your thinking so that your feelings put you in a space where you can show up as the person who doesn’t pick or escalate fights.  You can be love, to whatever extent you choose. It’s not as hard as it sounds!

And remember, in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,


Schedule a free mini session with me (here) and I can help you find a bite of peace, or see if the Tapas for Your Soul Weight Loss program is for you.


Is there a topic you’d like me to address in a blog? Let me know and I’ll give it a go!

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